My daughter is now fifteen months old and I am 24 weeks
pregnant with baby girl #2. Time passes differently once you’re a mother. Hours
can seem to last for days and yet whole months fly by without warning. There is
so much of my daughter’s precious first years that I want to remember, to
bottle up and treasure in my heart forever. There are also daily frustrations
and failures that I’d probably rather forget.
Becoming a mother has changed me, stretched me, and
continues to challenge me. It is a role of joy, if I choose to find
the joy in it. But there are many days when it’s mostly uncomfortable. It
requires dying to self, and that is
always hard. But I don't want to begrudge what is meant to be a blessing. I
want to embrace motherhood and all its moments of tender sweetness. The bedtime
hours spent singing softly in the rocking chair – the lyrics piercing my soul
and redirecting my heart. Will she remember these melodies? Will she remember
relaxing so cozily in my arms? I love her smile, he wholehearted laughs, her
curious and sparkly blue eyes, her precious wiggly toes and long, lean legs. I
love the way her arms move when she crawls at full speed with full gusto, the
way she bobbles and dances to music, and the way she claps when she’s proud of
herself for mastering a new skill. She has given me countless gifts, even the
ones that are hard to receive. She helps me learn what it really means to love
and she brings me face-to-face with my own fallen humanity.
Motherhood is profound and beautiful and re-shapes a person
in a thousand ways she wasn’t expecting. In those coveted moments when I actually have
time to sit back and reflect on my experiences as a mama (while she’s peacefully
napping) I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. But at least 4 times a day,
when I'm in the trenches and she’s grating on me and everything seems to be going
wrong, it’s easy in those moments to think that I’d like to just wish it all
away. Thank God, in His grace, it’s not that easy to skip back to childless
days. I would never learn anything if I could escape each trying situation so
easily.
So here I am, fifteen months in and only beginning to
finally be able to stake a claim to joy in the midst of it all. Joy in
uncertainty. Joy in the mundane. Joy in the ups and downs that each new day
brings. It’s not easy, this choosing joy, or rather this grasping for straws of
joy hidden in unlikely haystacks.
The rains of life still come.
But I’m learning, oh how I’m learning.
