Excerpt from a paper written April 12, 2011.
We have all encountered other people whom we would rather not forgive. They may have offended our senses, abused our hearts, insulted our intelligence, or deeply wounded our souls. Perhaps we have even forgiven them multiple times in the past for specific injuries, and now find ourselves asking along with Peter, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” (Matt. 18:21). There is no doubt that forgiveness is hard work. It often feels unnatural or unfair in a way. Often it is only with the help of the Holy Spirit, and after a long period of time, that we are able to forgive at all. Nevertheless, God’s Word commands us to forgive and, as anyone who has extended or experienced true forgiveness can attest, forgiveness liberates us in unparalleled ways so that we are freed up to embrace the abundant life that Jesus describes in John 10:10. When talking with the Pharisees at a certain dinner banquet, Jesus says: “he who is forgiven little, loves little” (Lk. 7:47). Conversely, when we gain an appreciation for how much we have been forgiven, how can we not extend this same grace to others? The radical, biblical call to forgive even one’s enemies (those who have most deeply wounded us), is made possible only when we realize and accept the depth of God’s abundant forgiveness towards us.
Both Scripture and modern psychology uphold that giving and receiving forgiveness has significant benefits. According to Dr. Gary R. Collins, “forgiveness brings greater physical and mental health, heals racial and cultural divisions, restores marital stability, and builds relationships. Forgiveness ‘calms turbulence, dampens the need to lash out at others, keeps families together and maintains harmony in relationships.’”[1] From a biblical perspective, a willingness to forgive those who have wronged us is a condition for receiving forgiveness from God. Jesus taught this, stating: “For if you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14-15). When we forgive others, we release the injustices we have experienced and the debts we are rightfully owed back to God, allowing him to be the ultimate Judge. This frees us from the heavy emotional and moral burden of trying (in vain) to exact perfect justice for ourselves in a fallen and unjust world.
It is a something of a foolish undertaking to attempt to persuade another person to forgive themselves or anyone else by simply illustrating the potential benefits of forgiveness. Knowing the moral/biblical mandate and the personal or corporate rewards of forgiveness is seldom enough to promote authentic heart-change in any of us. Collins pinpoints the key that unlocks our ability to forgive from the heart[2], saying “until we accept forgiveness, especially the forgiveness that comes from God, it is unlikely that we can fully forgive others and forgive ourselves.”[3] Perhaps this is why the apostle Paul reminds his audience of God’s love and forgiveness whenever he exhorts them to forgive each other. For example, in Ephesians 4:32 Paul writes, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you,” and in his letter to the Colossians he instructs, “as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion [. . .] bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so you also must forgive (3:12-13). If forgiveness is to be a long-term and consistent practice in our lives, neither moral ought-ness nor the promise of personal gain can provide sufficient motivation. Our motivation is drawn from the deep wells of forgiveness experienced in and through our relationship with Christ. If only we truly heard and internalized the words of Jesus: “Your sins are forgiven,”[4] surely that truth would transform us and spill over into all our relationships.
Sometimes the hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it. We know we do not deserve a clean slate, a restored relationship – especially not with Almighty God who gave his Son to die so that we might be re-instated into fellowship with him – So we hold forgiveness at arms’ length, concocting systems of penance by which we might more properly “earn” it instead. The reality is that forgiveness is a gift. It is by nature unfettered, free, and offered to an undeserving party. It is supernatural and its source is the nature of God himself. 1 John 1:9 tells us that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” God forgives us when we honestly admit our offenses before him. He IS forgiving. The psalmist tells us that “the Lord is compassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness [. . .] He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities [. . .] As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us” (103:8,10, 12). Once we have confessed our sins, we can trust in who God is for assurance of forgiveness even if we do not feel forgiven. When God and others offer forgiveness to us, we must stop trying to put it up on the shelf until such a time as we might feel worthy of it, and instead accept it for the profoundly beautiful, divine gift that it is.
While giving and receiving forgiveness allows for spiritual, emotional, and sometimes relational healing, it is important to note that “forgiveness does not always restore things to the way they were. Often consequences remain.” [5] As Dr. Smith points out, many of the biblical stories bear out the truth that “violating God’s trust and holiness has consequences.” [6] For instance, even though God forgave Moses for striking the rock when he was instructed to speak to it (and considered Moses as one whom he “knew face to face”) yet because of Moses’ sin, Moses was still not allowed to enter the Promised Land or be the one to lead the people of Israel into it.[7] Moreover, David, the man “after God’s own heart”, also experienced enduring consequences for his adultery with Bathsheba; his son died, he would experience the humiliation of someone from his own household lying with his wives, and the sword (conflict) would not depart from his house (2 Sam. 12). The same principle of consequences can be applied to our fractured human relationships as well. “When there is true forgiveness, there is a genuine attempt to bring reconciliation, to make restitution, and to abandon bitter and complaining attitudes,”[8] however, relational restoration “may occur immediately, over time, or there may always be some enduring consequences.”[9] The child born out of sexual immorality does not disappear because we are forgiven, nor does shattered trust rebuild itself within the hour. We work through the process of neighbor-to-neighbor restoration step-by-step, releasing our hurts to the Just Judge and remembering a Savior who so freely forgave (and forgives!) a debt greater than we could ever pay. It is his love that fuels our forgiveness - nothing else can.
[1] Gary R. Collins, Christian Counseling (3rd ed. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2007), 189.
[2] Jesus’ disciples must forgive each other from the heart. See the parable of the two debtors in Matthew 18:23-35.
[3] Collins, Christian Counseling, 189.
[4] Luke 7:48; Mark 2:5 (cf. Matt. 9:2; Luke 5:20)
[5] Dr. Justin Smith, “Forgiveness & Restoration”; Lecture notes in Principles for Biblical Counseling, Phoenix Seminary, Spring 2011.
[6] Ibid.
[7] Deut. 35:1-5, 10-12 and Num. 20:12
[8] Collins, Christian Counseling, 191.
[9] Smith, “Forgiveness & Restoration”.
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